12 Signs I Ignored That My Husband Was Gay (Signs 5-12)

5.  He was great at shopping.  I know that is a stereotype, but it is true.  We spent a stupid amount of money.  I did not want to “deal” with the finances therefore I had no idea how much debt we were in until we were in the divorce lawyer’s office.  We would spend money on entertainment, trips, gifts, and other just plain stuff in the hopes it would distract us from the fact we were not really getting along.  This was especially true towards the end.  I keep wondering if we were happier when we were both poor and heavy together.  It was when we both slimmed down (he more than me) and started making some real money did we pull apart.  I say that knowing that he was always gay; he was just too fat and poor (for his liking) to be of the “elite” gay.   Only when he was slim and rich did he believe a man could want him.  I know the feeling.

A couple who shops together go in debt together...or separately. Let's just say an "authorized user" on your credit card is on of the STUPIDEST financial decisions you can EVER make.

A couple who shops together go in debt together…or separately. Let’s just say an “authorized user” on your credit card is on of the STUPIDEST financial decisions you can EVER make.

6.  He had a makeover.  His appearance and clothes changed dramatically in about the last two to four years we were married, especially the last two.  He lost about seventy pounds through The Atkins Diet that he followed religiously and running on a treadmill 3-5 days a week.  To me he was never “fat.”  He just had the Midwestern “chubby hubby” look a lot of men get in their thirties.  He was a bit nerdy when I met him.  He was a chemical engineer when I met him and looked the part. He dressed very plainly but not too terribly, wore glasses, and had some acne issues.  He did go to an engineering conference once and his co-workers teased him about being the “best dressed engineer.”  I just laughed it off, considering the source. About year eight, after the miscarriage and the beginning of the bad and infrequent sex, he went on some serious anti-acne meds, started using “product” in his hair, went from an $8 haircut to $25, and his clothes were no longer just khakis, jeans, and polos from JC Penny.  He began to wear dress slacks, designer jeans, and various shirt options from the likes of Nordstrom and Calvin Kline.  My wardrobe did not change a lot.  Sure I went from a size 24 to a size 18 but I still had to buy “plus-sized” clothing so I did not think I deserved (or could purchase) anything as nice as his.  I thought if I got down to a size 14 or 12, then I would EARN my way to designer clothes.

See this self-worth theme keep cropping up?  I believed he was better than me and deserved nicer things. He made more money, he had lost the weight and I did not.  No wonder he gets to have nicer clothes and does not want to make love to me anymore.

7.  He was WAY too into Halloween.  I love Halloween and we had the BEST time coming up with our costumes each year.  You read about “Count Cockula.”  Should have known…. Anyway, we often would come up with very clever “couple” costumes.  We were Mardi Gras revelers once with masks; we were “victims of downsizing” where we dressed up like office zombies.  That was fun.  We were the Witches of the East and West from “The Wizard of Oz” where I was the Wicked Witch of the West with green make up and a broom and he was The Wicked Witch of the East where he wore a cardboard house over his body and just green and white stockings and red ruby slippers.  It was brilliant, but you would think a man that knows that much about The Wizard of Oz might have been “A friend of Dorothy.”  Once again, a stereotype, but sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason.

8.  He was never that into my body.  I am not saying he was “bad in bed.”  I am not.  Consider how “skilled” a man can become when he is desperately trying to cover up such a deep, dark secret.  For years, he was so good that I thought his homosexuality was all in MY head.  He just did not have the same, let’s say, enthusiasm about the female form that I have found in other straight lovers.  He did not hunger for my body like other men seem to.  This hunger sometimes embarrasses me as a grown woman.  Perhaps when I was young and innocent with a lot of hang ups about sex and my own body I could not handle “the hunger”.  I cannot help but wonder if I was complicit in some way that I married a gay man and let it go on for so many years because of my own shame issues.

Sex is not everything, but in this arena, a more experienced woman would have picked up on some clues. I was not “technically” a virgin, but pretty close.  For about six to eight years, roughly, or sex life was pretty good.  People ask me about this all the time.  Yes, he turned out to be gay, but he was attracted to me at first and could perform for many years with me without the help of porn, Viagra or anything.  He was attracted to me physically, could maintain an erection and we did have a pleasing sex life for about half our marriage.  It was sweet and tender.

I do not want to get into too many details.  It would be tacky and take away from the magic that was the early years of our marriage.  Like I have said before, I loved this man and he loved me.  I would hazard to say that we still love each other and always will at least in some form.  People say I am “too easy” on him and should be way more angry. I am, but we knew each other like husband and wife for many years.  I am so sad that he had to keep this greatest secret from me.  I do believe we were soul mates.  Maybe soul mates do not have to be married or even live in the same town to have that special connection.  That is why I defend him is because he is still a part from me.  Even with all that, now that I have been exposed to what real love can be like, I resent him not giving his all to me.

Towards the end, he rarely looked at my body while we making love.  Although he did find me aseptically pleasing in the nice clothes that he would choose for me.

Too Much Information Warning!!!!

The last year of our marriage he could only respond to be was if he took me from behind.  The longest time we did not indulge in this position.  At the end this was the only way I could make him come or even keep him hard (other than with my mouth).  He could only get off if he did not have to look at my breasts or face.  Don’t get me wrong, like many girls we like it doggie style every once and awhile, but all the time it can make a girl wonder.  Actually, it destroyed me.  I was really picking up on the idea that he no longer desired me.  He really, really would prefer a man and do things with men only men could do.  No wonder how sweet I was, how thin, how pretty I was or could become, and I could not make him want me.

9.  He always made me initiate.  In his own words he said if we ever had sex it was because I initiated 95% of the time.  He said he had sex with me to make me happy.  I told him not to bother.  He made me feel like a wanton whore just for wanting my husband.  Men who have tried to love me have to undo a lot of bad programming.

10.  Never jealous.  Men can sense if they have a chance with a woman or not.  Her marital status is immaterial.  She does not have to do anything to warrant this attention.  Her availability is subconscious.  Maybe it is pheromones, maybe it is the evolutionary hunger that women have too to procreate and her body sends out all kinds of signals to eligible, viable, viral men to alert them to her fertility. Her body is letting the world know that she has eggs ready and available and they are not being fertilized by her chosen mate.  Her body is telling any man in a certain radius, “touch me, fill me, make me happy and I will make you happy.”  It is chemical; it is psychological, and rather subversive.  We cannot help it.  The only thing to stop this hunger, the growling emptiness of our womanhood is to love your woman and fuck her properly and often.  That will keep the wolves and her own appetite at bay.

"Hey, I hear there is an unhappily married woman right over there"

“Hey, I hear there is an unhappily married woman right over there”

I told my husband about men that were hitting on me making me nervous.  I told him about his own friends making passes at me. I even told him about a rather humiliating, frightening sexual harassment issue at work and he did absolutely nothing.  He never defended me.  He did not want me, why would he think any other man would.  Maybe he secretly thought if I were getting it somewhere else that meant he would not have to and I will stay out of guilt.

11.  Everyone knew but me.  There were some that suspected form the very beginning, but he cleverly covered his inclinations and quelled suspicions.  He was a marvelous actor.  He was always the consummate game player.  He knew the game he was playing; he was in control of all the pieces and knew how to win.  What was the prize?  Was keeping the secret the prize?  Not fulfilling his true nature, finding someone (who would have to be a man) that would make him truly happy the prize?  Was I the prize?  The trophy?  No, sadly, I think I was just “the beard.”  I hate that word.  It hurts me, but it is true.

This is a variation of my 2009 Halloween costume.  I was a little naive to really pull it off, so I guess I was "asking" for it.

This is a variation of my 2009 Halloween costume. I was a little naive to really pull it off, so I guess I was “asking” for it.

12.  He was willing to give me away.  The last party we attended as a couple was, ironically, a Halloween party at our friend’s house who was gay in a gay neighborhood.  I was one of only about four girls in a part of over 40 men.  Several guys came up to me and asked if my husband was bi.  They asked me this to my face.  I was pretty much a stranger.  I knew the host and a few other people.  Maybe they thought that it was so obvious my husband was gay/bi that I had to know and therefore not a shock if they asked.  Maybe they assumed I was okay with it.  I was asked by about five different people to be in a threesome.  They thought my husband and I were cute and would like to “try out” a woman.  There were also a few guys there that were previously with women and even had children with these girls.  Often, they did not have full custody.  One guy said, “If I liked pussy, I’d start with yours.”  He then proceeded to touch my breasts like they were just open to everyone like cantaloupe at a fruit stand.  Okay, they are more the size of grapefruit, but you get the idea.  One older guy dressed up as a priest pulled me in by my collar and kissed me, with tongue, in front of several guests in the kitchen.  He did not care.  Yes, everyone was drinking, but still, huge faux pas.  Obviously he did not see my husband as a threat.  Upon leaving he came up to my husband and said “You’ve got one firecracker of a wife there.”  I believe under most circumstances behavior like that could get you a stern talking to by the husband/boyfriend if not a trip to the hospital.  If you love a woman, you don’t just give her away.  We “broke up” thirteen days later.  It was the beginning of the end.


About Charlotte Jay

After 12 years of marriage, I could no longer ignore that my husband was gay. I am pretty much over the sexual orientation debacle, so now what? Life3dblog is essentially the coming of age of a thirty-four-year-old woman and the journey to one's self. Life after marriage, redefining love, sex, and that pesky weight issue too.
This entry was posted in Gay Ex-Husband, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

54 Responses to 12 Signs I Ignored That My Husband Was Gay (Signs 5-12)

  1. Laura Valerio says:

    Thank you for publishing this article. I wanted to bring something up because I’m not sure at this point if I’m over thinking or if my boyfriend may truly be gay. A couple weeks ago, we were both really drunk. He was more drunk than I was. He brought up the topic himself and said that he didn’t know if he was gay. He laughed and kept saying “what if I’m gay? I don’t know. What if I’m gay?”. I suppose the topic seemed innocent at the time, but I wasn’t entirely sure if he was joking. Of course, this remained in the back of my mind. Later that week, he randomly brought up a story of how when he was young his little brother would say that he would want to marry his mom when he was older, and my boyfriend joked saying that when he was little since his brother claimed his mom, he would say that he would marry his dad. In that same conversation he later said “what would you say if your son was gay? My mom would freak out”. It doesn’t seem to me that this conversation would just come out of the blue without some thought behind it, but then again I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking it. We have been dating for half a year. We have a very good sex life and he’s very affectionate. The relationship seems perfect, but when this came up I could not stop thinking about it. I need your opinion. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because of this thought I have that he might be gay, but I’m also afraid that I may be dating someone who himself may not know he is or he does but does not want to admit it to anyone. I should clarify that I did bring up the topic and asked him if he was gay. He said he wasn’t. If your boyfriend is secretly in the closet, what would be a good way to ask that would make him safe enough to admit it? I want to know. Thank you.

  2. Announymous says:

    I can’t believe I’m asking a question here but my searches tonight led me here and I’d love to get some advice from someone. My husband and I have been married 12 years. We have four children. We were married in our early twenties, so pretty young. We have always had a pretty good sex life and I’ve never really questioned him being attracted to me. We average 1-2 times a week, once in a while 3, even with twin one year olds so I think we are doing pretty good :). However I always feel my husband tries to discount it and make me feel guilty that we don’t have sex enough. Granted like I said sometimes a week goes by and we haven’t done it, but that’s rare and it doesn’t go much longer than that. And our sex together is good. He’s into foreplay and he orgasms easily and usually wants to make sure I do too. So the sex side of things is pretty good, but it gets more complicated. He rarely tells me I’m pretty or even that he loves me unless I’m the one to initiate it, and when he does it feels kind of false. Like he’s embarrassed or it’s hard to do. I used to think it was cute when we were dating and that he would open up more (he comes from a very closed communication family) but it just hasn’t gotten better. I’ve learned to live with him and accept he just isn’t very expressive and just trust that he loves me. Also I don’t feel him being jealous hardly ever when I tell him other guys have hit on me. I don’t want to sound conceited in any way but I usually catch men’s attention and he usually just laughs it off and he doesn’t seem to care. But with all of this I have never once questioned his sexual preference, I just figured he wasn’t the jealous type, knowing I am loyal. I should also mention he cares about dressing well. He’s tall dark and handsome but doesn’t seem feminine at all, he loves sports, etc, but he definetly likes looking nice, has paid more for haircuts than I have, and overall his appearance all around is very important to him. Like he will obsess over himself in the mirror and hardly give me a second glance when I’ve been working hard to get all dolled up for a date or whatever.
    So yesterday is when my questions began. I walked in on him watching something racey. I still don’t know exactly what it was because he quickly closed it and then after he lied to me over and over about what he was watching (it was pretty obvious to me) I finally asked him if I could see his phone and saw he had been at a different website than he said he had. Anyway to make a long story short I finally found out the name of it and googled it to find its sexually expect in both straight and gay ways. I have a best friend whose husband has gotten into hard core porn which led to cheating with prostitues and my husband knows all this, so I asked him if I could look at his phone (he knows I worry because of how it destroyed my friend’s marriage). I wanted to check his history and see maybe what else I could find. I told him it wasn’t so much what he was watching, whether it was hard or soft porn wouldn’t have made much of a difference to me, it was the lying and how easily it came to him. He lied about 15 times in a row before it came out what he was really watching, naming off different show names, etc, etc. and the only reason he got found out is he was backed into a corner. I told him I would never lie to him so plainly and feel ok about it (I really wouldn’t). I’m a loyal a straightforward person and maybe a little too trusting at times, but I’ve always just assumed he would be the same to me. Like I said it wasn’t even the video he was watching truthfully (I figure he watches porn now and then) but I couldn’t believe how easily it came to him to lie and how the lies only stopped because he was found out. He said he was sorry but his sorrys for anything always seem a little fake and like he doesn’t really care. Kind of like everything else in our relationship, I don’t feel he’s very emotionally invested or connected to me most the time. Unless it’s after really great sex, then he sometimes seems to truly care and express his love for me. But is this because of all the emotions surrounding sex? Having said all this, generally we get along great, enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, etc. everyone has their shortcomings and I’m happy with our life so I’ve overlooked his.
    So after he fell asleep tonight I grabbed his phone and started sneaking around a bit,because I just felt there was more to this. Why was he so secretive and so adamant about lying over one video? He’s a smart guy so I knew nothing would be in plain sight, histories would be deleted. So I went to his Instagram account and went to the video section. It’s kind of like YouTube in that it suggests videos based on stuff you’ve searched, right. I was so surprised to see there were a ton of suggested accounts and videos of young guys with their shirts off, totally ripped, good looking, sexually suggestive poses. A few women ones mixed in there but mostly men, young ones. Now of course it’s Instagram so there’s no explicit videos but obviously this is what he has been searching. So then I went to YouTube and realized you can look at video history since he’s logged in. Same thing there, same type of videos, but there was one guy in particular he watched a lot of videos on that is a young very good looking famous swimmer who is gay. I’m sure he found out about him around the olympics because that is when he started watching. These videos are all innocent, the guy is just talked with his shirt off and showing off or doing whatever, but one is titled something like “a date in the desert” where the two guys go off camping and they just video themselves camping, rock climbing with shirts off, they kiss, etc.
    I wish I could see the history on his phone to see if he’s been watching gay porn but I think it’s all deleted. His history is there but no porn, but I have to assume there has been poem and he deletes as he watches? I don’t know.
    So I’m so confused about this. It seems like if the attraction to guys was just a fetish or a sexual thing it would be just sexual videos, maybe with women involved? But he’s watching two men camping together? Like, almost so innocent it’s sad. Like is this his real fantasy? Does he have a crush on this guy? Of course there’s probably much more I don’t know about. Now the tricky part. There’s a guy on his team at work that is gay and my husband has talked about him lately. Never mentioned him to me before last week, which now looking back is a little strange. He tells me about all the people he manages but never mentioned this one until last week and said he’s been there awhile. He told me he’s young (mid twenties) and good looking. My husband has always been nice to gay men and gotten along with them, although I never once questioned his straightness, so even then I didn’t think anything of it until now.
    One other thing. There is a guy in our neighborhood (a married guy) who my husband seems to think is so great. He goes and watches football with this guy and a bunch of others. But one time over the summer we ran into this guy and his wife on a walk and my husband was acting so weird. Like excited and kind of hyper and I felt a little embarrassed, like he was trying to say all kinds of things to impress this guy. And we talked to them so long it was almost awkward, like my husband didn’t want them to leave. At the time I even told him afterward he was acting kind of weird, he brushed it off. I thought he was trying to impress the guy because they are friends, but now I’m wondering if he has a crush on him or something. This guy fits the bill based on the videos he’s been watching – shorter, kind of cutesy handsome and athletic.
    I should also mention I’ve always felt my husband is a little flirtatious with other women too, but always careful to not be too obvious around me. But there’s been a few times I’ve caught him in it pretty plainly. But those were a few years ago. I also once wondered if he could be having an affair with a girl he worked with about six years ago, or at least becoming overly friendly with her because they would text here and there and there was once he traveled with her and a few hours went by when he wouldn’t answer his cell at night. I really wondered if something happened but I never pressed him on it because I chose to trust him. I must admit down deep I’ve always wondered if he lies about things. I’ve caught him lying before but only about little things. But all this today seems to open a whole new side to things.
    I think I will ask him about the videos, but I know he will lie and say he doesn’t know how they got there. I’d be very surprised if he admits to anything. He’s very prideful and also so worried about appearances. But I just wish he would tell me the truth. I don’t know what i’ll do if he were to tell me he actually is attracted to men or if he is gay but I’d just like to know the truth. But I worry he will continue lying if this is the case because he will want to keep up appearances, keep our family together, not rock the boat. We also live in a very religious community so it would be hard to be openly gay or even admit it to me because of the religious stigma. But I worry if I just continue trusting him and turning a blind eye when I continue seeing some red flags like this, where will it leave me down the road? He’s got a good heart but also has a bad temper. There’s been a few times I’ve actually been a little scared. He’s never hurt me, but in a couple arguments gotten very mad and grabbed me hard to the point I felt scared and realized how much stronger he is than me and that I have little control. I always try to keep the peace and he has really gotten better in this way but I don’t want to set him off. This is all new territory and I worry a little that me bringing it up might set him off, especially if he is accused of lying. His pride is important to him.
    Sorry this is so long. Any insight you might have would be great.

  3. Chloe says:

    I have a question for you, or anyone that may have had an experience with their guy being gay. I am in a relationship with a man, who is to a degree, feminine. He has been married twice, has two daughters. Numerous girlfriends in between. In the beginning, our sex life was extremely active and exploratory. Two years, and our sex life went from 4-5 times a day to maybe 1 or 2 a month. No fun, he rarely has an erection for long. LOVES taking from the back, no anal, just doggie style. But that is his favorite position, or he asks me to be the ‘man’. Okay…..but here is what is ‘new’ to me….every Wednesday or Thursday, his shorts has ‘runny’ fecal stains. Now, I get it….skids happen. But never here at home, and always one those two days of the week. Sometimes he does the laundry himself. I confronted him, and he was beet red, but profusely denied it. I stated that if he was, fine, but he had no right to sell my health, or my heart. Is this a sign, is there a way to test for semen in fecal stains?

  4. Bush says:

    I really don’t know what to do..my story is without the emotional and physical abuse dimension..thank God for that..but I still feel so unfulfilled and miserable. .
    After 8 years of marriage, I think my husband is gay..when I got married I was 27 and a virgin (I am from Pakistan and there usually ppl are a virgin till they are wed) and I stayed a virgin for the next 40 days..he just couldn’t do it ..later in life sex was always a mechanical thing..he doesn’t like to be touched..he doesn’t want to touch or even look at me..he is disgusted by the sight of my breasts..he wants to do it with my back to his front..and most importantly he always needs to stimulate his prostate by rubbing his lower part against my back..sometimes for as long as an hr..in the initial days of marriage I actually developed a hairline fracture on my tail bone due to it..now I protest when he overdo it..
    Sex is a chore for him..which he usually try for when he is erect in the morning..its once or twice in 3-4 months and often when he senses I am annoyed by his lack of interest in me..
    He has a lot of girl friends..he is nice and charming with them..recently when I questioned him about them he said he is not sexually interested in any of them..according to him even if I lock him up with a room full of naked ladies he wouldn’t feel a thing!..
    In the first few years of marriage he often went for a massage..he got it done by men..he also has a best friend who flies across the world to come see him..that guy just got married to his long term girlfriend..but they don’t live together. .
    Please tell me if its me who is horribly unattractive or he is actually a gay…and one thing more, he has 2 more brothers and both their wives have voiced similar concerns..can it be genetically inherited..

  5. Nicole says:

    I have always wondered whether my boyfriend of 15 years is gay, that’s right, 15 years! he refuses to get married, we only had 2 years of a good sex life and it has slowly diminished over the years to where we only have sex maybe every 3 months now. What really makes me think he’s gay is he’s very excited around guys when we have a few drinks, like how a guy would hit on a girl and pay attention to her, he does it to guys when I’m around and we’ve had a few drinks. I have asked him if he’s gay but he just denies it and calls me crazy but is there something wrong with me or is this guy just so different. We are good friends, more like roommates because he doesn’t even touch me, he insists he loves me. I want to get out of this relationship but its not possible right now financially. Any advise or ideas would be appreciated

  6. Erica says:

    I think my hubs of 4 years is gay. I think I will be the last to know for sure. He is also. Narcissists so he is quick to tell me certain things didn’t happen the way I remember, if at all. He denies and denies. Before I met my husband and got married, I was very sexually adventurous, perhaps a bit easy. I never had a hard time getting sex from a man, until I met my husband. Lately he has asked several times if he could do me in the ass. Prior to that he wasn’t touching me at all, he said it was because of my weight gain. Now if we do it he wants all the lights off. At one point I cheated on him, and I told him. He seemed a little irritated for about 10 mins, then he was over it.

    When we were dating I found 2 Dildos in his house that had just been used, they were lubed up, in his bathroom. He said his buddy came over with some strippers and they partied. So he admitted to cheating.

    But here’s the big one, the buggy that finally made me start looking stuff up and that made me find this blog. This past Labor Day weekend my hubs said he had a job (he does construction, handy man stuff) at a friend of the family’s lake house. This friend is his sisters best friend and is gay. He went up for what was supposed to be one day and it turned into 2. Upon returning I asked how much he got paid, he said nothing. He didn’t get to the work. The gay guy called at 1am the other morning and left a message on my husbands phone. This morning I listened to it and then played it in my husbands presence. In the message, the gay friend says, “…well, some interesting things happened this weekend. Just know I want you to be happy.” when my husband heard this I SWEAR, on my life, that the look on his face was the EXACT same look he had when I found those Dildos. I nearly had a breakdown.

    Everyone thinks hes gay. People have asked me if he was gay. I have asked him if he was gay. I have given him outs, which he has not taken In our marriage sometimes he treats me like he hates me. There’s anger there that i don’t understand. I am of no interest to him. He barely ever tells me Im pretty. Or sexy. And Im the one who almost always had to initiate sex. Many times to no avail. He was always too tired, or didn’t feel good. And then when that got old, I was too fat. He has put me through a lot of pain. I’ve been in therapy aand on anti depressants. I have begged for the truth and he just keeps denying it. Im so scared Im going to be the last to know and Im just going to be the laughing stock of everyone I know.

    He keeps telling me he loves me. He tells me hes committed to our family (I have 2 kids from a previous relationship), but I can tell you this, he NEVER says hes committed to me. There has never been any romance. We had a fair amount of good sex at the very beginning, but I was still always amazed at how many times he would turn me down. I had NEVER encountered that.

    So, what do you think?

  7. Disturb says:

    I know my ex husband is gay and he cheated me…but now he is cheating another straight woman..and if i tell my ex that he is gay he would never accept it…what should i do? I want to tell that girl who he is married now but not living together right now…that he is gay!! He ruined my life i am so hurt…i dont know what he is going to do with another girl…i dont know why is he hiding…i think his parents doesnt know that he is a gay neither his brothers know…i didnt tell them but i think u should somehow

    • At this point… Yeah. Sure. Tell her. They might think you are just bitter or something, but you know the truth. Maybe she is a fool and can accept it. Fuck him… seriously… He should not have to go around acting like a coward and ruining lives in his wake of his cowardice.

  8. Gail says:

    I am in interracial married for 12 years . 2 children, ages 5 and 3. I was the one to suggest we should have children. He happily agreed . However, My needs are not being met. Husband always quick too lay on his back for me to perform oral sex 98% of the time . I am always giving blow jobs. If not we have sex doggie style. He never comes in missionary position. I am the one who initiates sex. He seems to get annoyed if I initiate regular sex . He sees sex as oral sex only. He is satisfied w that, all the time . He shaves his entire body. He hates body hair . He loves to watch regular porno . I never saw any bi – sexual porn, when I look in his history. But something is not right. I think maybe he is just not into me. He is the weirdest sexual partner I have ever had. I feel like all I do is perform oral sex. I never get waken up in middle of the night to get attacked . If I do get woken up in middle of night , it’s for him to lay on his back and for me to perform oral sex. Not romantic at all. I am thinking of stepping outside my marriage for satisfaction, but that doesn’t make me happy either. It just seems like when we do have sex it’s always a task.

  9. Celeste says:

    My partner of 3 years was describing his gay uncle of being a fussy old queen, and then said he was a fussy old queen and giggled. I’ve asked him of he was gay before and he denies it, but said all his lovers have asked that. We’re both 55 and he has low T but it seems he hardly wants sex. What do you think?

    • Low T is fixable. Is he a fussy old queen? What makes him think he is a fussy old queen? Does he act like one. I think almost everyone has a fussy old queen somewhere in their family tree. Giggled… not laugh, not chuckled, no guffawed…but giggled. There are late in life men who come out. “Beginners” has a movie about it with Ewan McGregor and Christopher Plummer. Multiple girlfriends/lovers is more indicative of his being straight than anything else. Its probably just low T. He may just not fit the “manly man” persona but still be straight. But its not like I’m an authority on the matter.

  10. T says:

    Wow, reading this article has really opened my eyes. I’m newly engaged and pregnant. I’ve been with my Fiancee for 3 almost 4 years. I’m starting to notice little things. I just need to know from an outside perspective. It was always a joke from the beginning. My sister always wanted me to meet this guy. First time I talked to him he
    was funny..and my sister called him a fag and I was joking and asked him if he was gay and made a sexual joke..and I asked him “o your gay? I’ve always wanted to take a bubble bath with a a gay guy and have a gay best friend.” He said, “sweety I make straight guys turn gay.” I laughed. Over the last few years little things have really added up. I’ve shrugged it all away because he truly does love me and I do to. I thought at first he was cheating on me because I kept finding my lengerie used and inside out and riped..but never any signs of another girl…im good at hacking his accounts theres never been any other girl..dk if he likes the material or is a cross dresser but I know I would never put another girls lingerie on. So why is mine always used..also him and his best friend who ive never seen with a girl..or gf both of them had Hep C for awhile . There story is they used a dirty needle..There’s other signs like he’s super neat and OCD..I’ve never been with someone who plans..sex..or turns down bjs I’m 24 he’s 28 ya there’s an age difference but his sex drive seems really low for his age..I guess we’re I’m getting at is I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t completely into me and is someone I don’t know. Please let me know what you think..

    • Well… the Hep C thing concerns me….. Protect yourself.

      The age difference between 24 and 28 is not a difference at all. Is he the father of the baby? That would make a big difference.

      My ex used to take my panties on his business trips… I think he wore them… not a good sign.

      The big question to ask yourself, are you getting what you need?

    • Anonymous says:

      hepc is common and I’d be careful. I am in the same position as you. well almost. I found emails from Craigslist when he was away working before I met him and one this year in Feb. he denied it saying it was the guys at work but JM not stupid.I also found the grindr app downloaded on his phone but deleted. since I met him I always joked about him being gay saying he gay tendencies which he does for example the sex thing I deal with the same issues.when I first confronted him let’s just say he got way too angry and things got out of control. he keeps asking me who else I told about him being gay and made a few comments to my guy friends is wanna date or your cute big boy. I am also 24 and over 10 years my age. he has male friends on Facebook he claims he does not know and male friends I question on how he randomly met these men. I googled a lot of signs of your bf being gay. this is recent to me. I really dont know what to do as I love this man so much he makes me so happy and he seems really happy with me but things are just not the same since I found the email. so if you have any advice for me on what to do because Im almost in denial of it also but i can’t get it out of my head. I’m always looking at him like he’s gay and I feel bad. I tried talking and telling him it’s okay I’d never tell noone and I’d be there for him. but its like how can you deny it since I found all this. suddenly the iPad has disappeared and he hides his phone with a password and hides it from me and uses lots of excuses lately. I don’t want to be with someone who is secretly with other men whether it be here in our hometown or away at work. cheating is cheating. so frustrating.

  11. Anonymous says:

    I would really appreciate your advice. I have been with my S/O 5 years we have a one year old together and everything has always been great between us. This past year he joined the Marine Corp and we had to spend 6 months away from each other. When we got stationed and back living together things have just been different…. We have a gay couple next door (both guys) my s/o rather be with them then me. Last week he came home really drunk and said “if their was any night you could do me in the butt tonight’s it, go get the toys.” I just shrugged it off like “man he’s really drunk”… This week he has been wanting just oral and was lifting up like he wanted me to lick his butt and pulling my hands under him to put in his butt. Last night doing oral again he pulls me up whispers in my ear “go get the toys” (he’s sober this time) I’m thinking its for me (well was more like praying)… He lubes his butt and handed me a little vibrater. I could not bring myself to do it and I just stayed up all night thinking “maybe it’s a phase”. I’m getting really worried now I love him so much and I feel like I’m in a bad dream. He does not act gay, he’s into cars and tattoos but now I’m seeing this side of him that I never knew.

    • Maybe the gay guys just told him about stimulating the prostrate. Honestly, from what you are saying sounds like he is just exploring, but exploring just with you. I think he is probably straight… and honestly… I don’t say that too often.

  12. Kay S says:

    Hi, please help me… I don’t know what to do. Ever since I got married (it was an arranged marriage to a man 9 years older than me as I’m from Pakistan)…I had this feeling that something wasn’t right with my husband. He was always angry and abused me verbally and psychically. Once on our honeymoon, I just picked up his phone and he slapped me and tried to throttle me. He said I couldn’t touch his phone or look at his personal stuff. I was really stupid not to leave him as I thought it would bring dishonor to my family… We have a culture like that which is very old fashioned. But I know it wasn’t fault for not leaving him. He was never that interested in sex and he never did any kind of foreplay. He only likes oral sex and doggy style. Now we have 2 kids. I also caught him looking at just gay porn for many days and when I confronted him he said he is not gay. Everytime I talk about it he gets angry and shouts and screams and abuses me. He goes on lots of foreign work trips to Thailand and Malaysia and I once found condoms in his travel bag. He again denied doing anything and blamed me for making things up. He says I’m lying about all the evidence I found. He is very very secretive about his phone and still won’t let me touch it or tell me his password. Recently he was showing me some funny video on his phone and a whatsapp message appeared above the video which was some Malaysian or Chinese man just named as “Bao” saying “Dear, I’m eating wanton noodles..” I thought this was a weird message as why would some man be so intimate with him… When he saw I had seen he quickly took his phone away. I said who is that person and I asked him to show me the message. When he said he won’t, I responded that there must be something fishy going on. He went crazy and started screaming and also slapped me and said its just a person he works with but he said he would never show me the message and deleted the whole whatsapp conversation. He said I need to stay out of his “personal” messages. Then he said he doesn’t care what I think about him and that I can leave him if I want to.
    I have 2 kids and I can’t support myself as I don’t work. Leaving him is not an option. I just want the truth. I don’t know how I can find out who he is having a secret relationship with or who he is having random sex with. Now I know there is some other man in the picture. Help me please. Tell me what to do.

    • This breaks my heart. It really, really does. If you are in the United States, you probably have more legal standing and more options than you realize. If you are in another country…. I don’t know. You might want to research it. I get a fair amount of email and other comments from women from more traditional backgrounds where the shame of homosexuality and divorce make it very difficult to leave. I am an educated, middle-class, white American woman and I still did not feel I could leave for ten years. My father believed me and took me in while I got on my feet, but not the first time. The first time I tried to leave my husband my father thought that I was crazy and just “being emotional” and sent me back to my husband that night. I was heart broken. I stayed another 7 years after that.

      If there is physical abuse… you need some help. Sounds like he is ashamed about his homosexuality and it taking it out on you. You are his key to “polite society” but he could also see you as getting in the way of his dream of acting out his true homosexual nature.

      If you are concerned that he is cheating on you… honestly… you should probably stop having sex with him. Honestly… and I hate to break this to you, but you deserve the truth, he could be exposing you to STD’s and even AIDS. Married men who go out searching for sex are not always as cautious as men who are open about themselves and are seeking relationships. Actually, your finding his condoms is a good thing. At least he’s being safe.

      It is okay if you cannot leave him for financial or traditional reasons right now. First thing is that you need to be safe. You probably already know the truth, Sweetie. He is probably gay. I’m sorry. I know that hurts. Confronting him with the truth might put you in more danger. I speak from experience… whether he admits to being gay or not… whether he is ready to live that lifestyle or not does not change the truth. If you have to stay… then just be safe. If you have the opportunity to learn a skill during this time so you can support yourself and your children, do that. You might want to gather your family and your friends (if he lets you have any…. I know my husband was not key on my having friends) so you know you are loved and that you are loveable. Save up some money if you can. I always kept at least a $1000.00 in savings on me at all times… That was plain ticket or a gas money, food, and a few days in a hotel if I needed it. I called it my “get out of town in a hurry” money. I have used that $1000.00 a couple of times and always saved it up again.

      My heart goes out to you. Please, be safe. The truth of his homosexuality or whether or not he is having an affair is not has important as your and your children’s safety and happiness.

  13. Shmi says:

    We have been married for a few years and we have 2 beautiful children. I have asked him straight up if he was gay but he has just gotten angry that i would even think that. We dont have sex EVER. Last time we had sex was 2 years ago. We have sex once a year if that, since i was 27. I am 34 now and he is 36. I am a decent looking woman and i get picked up a lot so it’s not like i’m disgusting. He never touches me. He doesn’t like to hold my hand. We get along really well though. I have cheated on him a few times and he knows, he says he is angry but it doesn’t bother him much. He doesn’t get jealous. I have no other signs… could he be gay?

    • Anonymous says:

      Quit wondering. You already know the truth. If you are unhappy with your marriage as it is change it. Get prepared financially by going to school or learning a trade instead of wasting your time investigating “who” it is he is with. He is emotionally empty when it comes to you and he won’t change. Your future happiness is up to you, and YOU have to do something it. It will not be easy emotionally or financially but you will succeed, guaranteed and will be much happier for it. Best of luck.

      • I would have said the same thing. The thing is that it is SOOOO hard to leave. I had a lot of advantages and it was still hard to leave my gay husband. I was very lucky to be educated, have a decent work history, and at least my father believed me and gave me shelter through my transition. He also lived several states away so I could avoid some shame. Not that anyone should feel ashamed about this. Its his lie, not yours. Be safe. Find shelter if you need to. Get a lawyer. If you read other posts, you will find some great tips of how to protect yourself financially if you decide to leave.

  14. Vivian says:

    Hi all,
    Recently I found out accidentally and in front of my husband pictures of him with thongs. Also, in several pictures he had posed in a sexual way with his bottom. His bottom is everywhere and there are videos too.He took pictures and deleted them but his phone backed them up without knowing it. I think he is gay although he says he is not and he just likes wearing female underwear as an experiment. He has no other changes and he has never been feminine or anything.
    We had a baby three months ago and our sex life has not been good for the last year with me being pregnant as well. He has been distant for a long time and doesn’t even approach me . He wants me to trust him and he wants us to have a second chance.
    I am very concerned and I think I want a divorce but I’m afraid that I might be making a mistake.

  15. Anonymous says:

    So I talk to this boy. There are a few things that make me wonder if he is gay or not. 1. He takes a long time to choose an outfit. 2. He talks with a slightly feminine tone though he has a deep voice and uses his hands when he talks a lot. 3. He says he doesn’t mind gays but not the flamboyant ones. I feel like recently he’s been using more homophobic slurs when he gets angry and he spoke a good amount about how he doesn’t like flamboyant men though he is somewhat flamboyant. 4. He says he doesn’t really worry about sex or vagina.. But we have sex all the time really great sex and he loves going down on me. He also seems very turned on by me. He gets hard when just kissing me and he loves to call me beautiful all the time especially when we have sex. 5. His best friend is a girl and occasionally I feel as if she insinuates that he is gay but I wonder if that’s just the femininity throwing her off also. 6. I think he’s is slightly turned on by ass slapping I guess it’s just the femininity throwing me off for the most part. I was just wondering if I should ignore these signs or if they are truly signs I should look out for

    • He seems awfully concerned about what gay men do. Most straight guys don’t think about gay guys at all, unless they are homophobic assholes. Generally most guys are like either they are just one of the guys, guys that will go out shopping with the girlfriends, or just a non-issue. There are some super macho mean guys that hate everyone. I do not deal with mean people at all.

      I say trust your gut. Maybe he is just fashionable. I’m sure you have a great ass. It is like the year of the butt for some reason. I blame leggings. 😉 If you are happy with the situation… then cool. If not… something made you google this site. Are you getting what you need. If you are really concerned, check his phone for gay porn or gay dating sites like “Grinder.” But only look if you want to know the truth.

      • Anonymous says:

        Do you think that he would perform oral sex if he was gay? Did your husband perform oral sex on you? How do I ask him without hurting his feelings? literally, EVERY guy that I have dated comes off to me as gay so I am not sure if it is just me at this point. We have crazy chemistry and I am extremely happy and in love and also very afraid of getting my heart broken. I can’t tell if he is just feminine and nerdy or gay. Are there any other signs that I should look out for?

    • I am from the Midwest. Most Midwestern men, unless in the very trendiest parts of town, will wear just jeans, cargo shorts, and t-shirts. They were either “ironic” t-shirts of super heroes, bands, witty sayings, or sports teams. Midwestern male fashion is pretty boring. There are some hipsters and some fashionable men in the more artsy parts of the big city where I am from and some of them are even straight. Some… Damn shame, really. Don’t we women deserve some eye candy? I know there are some men that are more concerned about their look than others. I appreciate a fashionable man. It is also obvious when a woman dresses her man versus how he dresses himself. What kind of “image” is he projecting. What kind of attention does he want? I know I have different looks for different venues and what I want to “project.”

      The homophobia would concern me. Most straight men, unless they are total bigoted assholes, do not concern themselves with gay men other than just friends or colleagues. They figure if a man is gay that it’s cool, that is one less well-dressed, well-spoken man he has to compete with women for. I think homophobia in men comes from a deep seated hate for those different from themselves or a deep seated fear of being gay. I know I wouldn’t want to mess with either scenario.

      The fact that he is still turned on by you is good. My experience and the experience of other women who are with closeted gay men is that they have to initiate sex all the time and that can wear down a relationship.

      If he is just a well dressed man, that may not big of deal. The tone of voice… hmmm…. I don’t know. That might be just culture. Once again, in the Midwest it is seen as being more “macho” to be the strong silent type and not be to exuberant about anything… except sports. Listen to other women, though. You might want to look more into this best friend situation with the girl. Might be something to that…. Is she your friend too?

  16. Rose says:

    Hello, I am looking for some advice. I got married 4 months ago with a very amazing man. He is Korean and I am Spanish, he is very fashionable man and always likes to dress fancy and elegant. He loves to take me shopping and is always looking at girls clothes to buy for me. So, my problem is this 2 months ago I saw our internet history and he had watched so much porn including bisexual porn and gay porn. Not so much gay porn mostly women porn but when I asked him he said he was just curious. Also, he likes to role play a lot in bed. He likes it when I act like a man and treat him like a women by slapping him and calling him my bitch, he will start to moan like a women and likes it when I hump his ass or smack his ass. He gets very turn on especially when I hump him from behind and treat him like my bitch. He has in the past joke around being bisexual but he always saids he hates gay man and can’t stand them. He really can’t stand seeing two men kissing. He also likes when I treat him bad in bed . But, he always saids he loves having sex with me. He loves seeing women poem and I can tell he likes pussy. But , why does he like it when I hump his ass and is okay with it when he hates gay man???? Could he be bisexual??? Or gay????

    • The gay porn is not a good sign, honestly. Role playing? Not an expert. If he hates two men kissing, that may be a sign of homophobia possibly rooted in closeted homosexuality. Possibly bisexual. The big question, is that a problem for you? What are you willing to put up with? Where is your line?

    • Not an expert on role playing. It might be a fetish thing. Fetishes does not mean that he is gay or bisexual. The thing is, are YOU okay with this behavior? Are your needs being met. Is there a difference because of the culture? Most guys like lesbian porn. Sounds more like he is just kinky, honestly.

  17. Bella says:

    I would like to ask your opinion since you’ve already gone through this. When I 1st met my husband I wondered why he never complimented me like other men. Our 1st fight was over a picture I really loved of the two of us. He didn’t like the way my teeth looked! I always feel like I have to initiate sex. He doesn’t have a normal hunger for my body like my previous relationships. He keeps his eyes closed during sex, always! He never takes my picture. He won’t post anything of us on social media. He never gets jealous or protective. His best friend seems like a closeted man, too. The best friend even started his own clothing line in L.A.
    Are these all red flags? I don’t know what to say to him. I think he would lie until death. But I deserve to be loved. I have always felt something was missing. Please let me know your thoughts. As a married woman of 5 years I feel more alone right now than I can express 🙁

    • My ex-husband didn’t have a picture of me at his office until like our give or seven year of marriage probably just to quell too many questions. My ex-husband had “best friends” he would travel to see by himself. One of his best friends are nice to me, but really I was never really involved. I felt so much more lonely when I was married than I ever felt when I was single. I know that loneliness. I know how vulnerable I was to the affections of other men who did not want what was best for me. Now that I am in a loving relationship with a man, I am always mentioned and his social media is wallpapered with pictures of me or us together. I feel like I’m actually part of something real. Its about time… I’m 41 now. If you want to talk about it more, you can contact me at cj@life3dblog.com

  18. Not your fool says:

    I would like for you to contact me.
    My husband and I have been married for 8 years with children. We will be out in public and we run into men he would say are his homeboy.. yet ive never met or heard of them, it wasnt a big deal till some of them who happen to be gay or bi would look at me like I was a surprise as if they couldnt believe we were married or je was married rather. Our sex life is zero and if there is a sex life it feels mechanical at best, it never use to be that way. We use to do it anywhere none stop, oral he gives will make you go into a coma.lol.
    Before we got married I saw signs ( now i know them to be) his best friend would come to our home 3 days at a time 52 weeks of the year, i would complain nothing would happen. It was as if he was scared to tell his bff to hit the road Im bout to fuck my gf. I had to go ape shit for him to say or do anything that would GT our family time. He is completely emotionless and ignorant to my needs as a woman physically amd emotionally, no soft caresses instead im saying to him OUCH. . Why u squeeze so hard??. You know my body… there are so many things over the years… i am afraid to be right, ive asked him if he was gay or bi or DL his exact reply ‘if Im gay leave me alone then”… who the fuck says that???!!!.. gets very defensive.

    • You can email me at cj@life3dblog.com. I want to help. I feel your pain. No, really. ((Hugs))

      • Anonymous says:

        I too feel so alone, my husband of almost two years had an account on Scruff, I also found photos of naked men on his phone that were taken from the Internet. When I confronted him he swears he is straight and has no interest for men, he was so angry at me and then wouldn’t even talk about it. We are trying to have a baby and have sex multiple times a week but I feel like something is off/ or missing. He just isn’t into me like other men have. He is never jealous and doesn’t intimate sex hardly at all. I’m so confused and feel so alone as I can’t discuss this with any family or friends. I don’t want to believe what my gut is telling me.

        • I had the same issue when we were trying to have a baby. Trust your gut. Especially if you are trying to have a baby….. It is easier for him to “come out” to his parents than to his children. His infertility I saw as a sign from God that our relationship was doomed. I was much more religious at the time. I don’t know your age or circumstances, but let me tell you…. I am a “plus sized” girl and I was in my early 30’s when I got divorced. I never had any problems finding men. I have been proposed to three times since my divorce as well. There is hope! Trust your gut, girl.

  19. anonimous says:

    please help ive only been with my husband for six years. ..we have a beautiful three year old daughter and ive been worried about my man lots.he is a bouncer so he always is smart for work.but never makes an effort for me.he has an extremely high sex drive. …..or he did until about a month ago when hed rather stay up till five am watching tv mainly ufc or wrestling. he calls me a nympho and say all i want him for is sex if i talk to him about why he doesnt want me.we used to have sex four times a week. …..now its lucky if its once a month and he prefers oral. ..im hoping its just a phase hes going through hes we are both in our forties.

    • Trust your instincts. Preferring oral could just be laziness. It could be work stress, another woman, or another man. There is a bit of a drop off in libido in men around age forty. What does your gut say? You are not a nympho. I don’t know you and I am sure of that. Our society teaches women to be ashamed of their sexuality and it is a go to weapon of weak men. It is easier for him to make you feel bad about himself than confronting his own truth.

  20. jesus says:

    my wife never was had a sexual appetite with me, and i was raging with sexual energy but it was always hard to penetrate her because she would alway push me out with her arms so it was very frustrating, i could only have anal sex with her. I don’t know if it was because she felt pain or just didn’t want to get pregnant, so i ended up pleasuring myself alot. eventually the years went by and my sexual energy slowed way down and i kind of blame a back injury for not being able to keep an erection even when i felt aroused.
    one morning my penis went limp while having anal sex and she got so angry and accused me of being gay i was really hurt, i don’t know if it was because of my back or because i needed to use the bathroom but i couldn’t and the fact that she got so angry worsens the situation. I haven’t had sex with her in about 5 years, not because i don’t want to but because if i fail to get hard again, she should have just said “that’s ok, we can do it again later” or even try foreplay or something. she’s pretty hot but i feel like she put a wall between us sexually and the fact that she isn’t that sexual to begin with, she’s cold sexually. Men are really sensitive to what women say sexually and i think that hurt our sex life permanently it seems. I did find out she was having an affair with someone we knew which hurt me and made me feel emasculated, i found pictures of them naked fucking thanks to iphone imessage. or did she want me to see them? i mean what would i do? where would i go? alot of the same questions women have when a man does that to them. so i ignored it, and to this day she doesn’t know that i knew but in a strange way it aroused me, i felt worthless as a man because i didn’t do anything. she was always the jealous type and even if i just glance at another woman there was hell to pay, and she was the one that did it to me. i fantasize about other women but i never have done anything with them. and since i feel emasculated i have been fantasizing alot about gay sex. that used to repulse me, now i feel an urge to try it, to let a man have his way with me, to at least experience it once. i don’t know if i’m gay, but i’ve been thinking alot about it lately, even trying on women’s clothes. i don’t know if it’s just a phase, and i don’t know if i would ever actually have sex with a man, if i did would i have regrets or would i find my true calling. it’s kind of scary. still, i find women beautiful and sexy no matter there body or their face, women are beautiful.

    • Being cheated on is horrible no matter with whom it is. I am so sorry that happened to you. I know it hurts. Let me say first, I am not an expert. I know I went through a phase of experimenting with other women because I thought maybe I was gay too because I didn’t notice for so long. I am not gay. I find women sexy and attractive. I even fantasize about being with another girl sometimes but when it comes down to it I only really want to have sex with men. The fantasizing about gay men might be just sexual hunger in general, acting out against your wife, or it may play into your issues of feeling emasculated. I would like to think I was always kind to my ex and helped him through his transition. His being gay didn’t make him less of a man, it just meant he could no longer be my husband. Women are beautiful. There are beautiful men too. Instead of thinking what “gay sex” think about who you are really attracted to, inside and out and then make a decision. Maybe think about WHO you’d like to have sex with instead of what.

  21. If a guy would take a dido up in his anus does that mean he’s gay

  22. Daisy says:

    So true.
    We make far too many excuses, especially to ourselves!

  23. Kat says:

    I thought it weird my husband never kicked the shit out of dudes he would find creeping around our house. A few times they were friends of mine who thought he crazy and wanted to avoid him . So that was a sign, he liked me having this one guy in my life because he then got away with murder himself and I was too busy feeling guilty about what I was doing not knowing he was gay just knowing sexually I wasn’t happy. My husband dealt with things emotionally not logically. I found lots of tranny porn in his computer. To me that was a sure give away. My husband is a narcissist and loves praise from anyone. My husband is a great shopper for clothes. My husband always goes to the gym but I’m thinking not for a weight workout. Lots of money coming out of our account each moth that when he finally called on his behavior he just ignored. Now he accuses me of stealing money. But 1,800 to 2,100 a month to me is a lot. And that’s just one source. He gets paid other money I never see. He made me cut down $$ and I did by a lot but we still can’t make it on 10,000 a month. My husband has too many guys he does things with who are gay. My husband meets weekly for sex. My friend and I spied on my husband at a hotel one morning and my husband was gone already but his lover spotted me and drove passed me a few times. He was too familiar to me. He strained his neck looking back at us and almost crashed. My husband now doesn’t want to pay alimony while I get on my feet after 24 years of this BS. So he is going to say in court I live in his house with my bum boyfriend living off him who had bypass surgery two years ago. All of which isn’t true accept the surgery. My husband had the surgery and couldn’t wait to get back to work. Who does that after that kind of surgery? No one unless he had to get back to his secret life. He has an apt he rents out in the ghetto in our area. I’d never suspect him of having a love hide out there. It all cost a lot. Whether it’s male or female it’s still a huge betrayal. I can’t believe this guy actually tried to make me look bad for after 14 years having a boyfriend. I was honest about it. And it’s been the same guy all this time accept I’m not supporting him. He comes from a wealthy family and he helps me fix up these shit boxes my husband then doubles his money on. My husband is ungrateful and I think my friend needs to send him a bill. My friend is the one who said to me one day ” I think ______ is gay” I couldn’t believe he said it. Finally someone else on my same wavelength . I’d find my sex toys in his room
    My husband told me once of him being an alter boy in Catholic Church. He sorta made it sound he was victim of one of the priests. My husband is tall and macho but very emotional. A heavy drinker once he now is a closet drinker. He use to worry about his weight and eat and then make himself throw up. I just got him to admit my worst fears yesterday. When I said it in a text he never said it wasn’t true. And I repeated it five times.

    • My husband went through tens of thousands of dollars on his secret life I didn’t know about until we divorced. I was devastated. I had NO idea. I work in finance now. I know the dirty tricks and can see them in a bank ledger clear as day. My husband tried to hide behind the church too. He made me feel like a slut because I wanted him. Its a trap. Never underestimate the power of denial.

  24. JoiB says:

    Wow! This is so on point. I was curious about him but thought it was just me, and my insecuritys, until one day he came over, we started to kiss and his mouth taste like a condom. I snapped,we argued and he turned it on me. Smh

  25. Anonymous says:

    As a gay guy, 11 is just appalling. I don’t let any guys touch my female friends or talk to them any kind of way. I would have punched them. Hard.

  26. Kaye says:

    I seem to be having weird thoughts that my husband might be gay. When I first met him I on very rare occasions would get jokes about him being “metro sexual”. He was just way way flirtier than most guys were towards women, he dressed pretty good for a guy although essentially it was still very american outfitters old navy type things. He was super neat and clean shaven, always smelled good. Well-built and always wanted sex.

    However during our marriage I started noticing weird things which I brushed off because there were more things to worry about as he became verbally abusive. He would nag about every little thing (not money). He would give the silent treatment for days if he did not get what he wanted. The daily sex in the first year changed to no sex for a year. He hated to hug, kiss. He hated being touched and would brand me a nympho or shrug me away. When I tried to entice him, he would often times ignore me or just tell me he wasn’t in the mood. I noticed he would prefer jacking off rather than really sleeping with me. He did have a few affairs with women but nothing serious. They slept together on very very rare occassions as Ive found out. It was more a friendship than anything else. Someone to watch movies with and pursue shared passions. I found it really weird though that these women were exclusively friends with gay men as they work in the creative industry. None your boring meat and potatoes crowd.

    Very slowly my husband’s style started changing. At first he would put face powder on to control oiliness but very rare. Then lipbalm. Then he would go rarely for dermabrasion. He was so concerned about his pores, his tummy pouch. He would be obsessed about his nose hairs showing. Or he would sometimes wear jersey shirts that sort of give an impressions of his nipple or wear open to the torso belly button type polo shirts which I found quite unusual as we work in a very staid environment and people get glimpses of his chest and tummy region. It always boggled my mind.

    I noticed he would hold his pen or cup in a very feminine way with one little pinkie finger up. Not one of the other men in the office did the same.

    Then his black blue gray white underwear drawer started getting colored spandex underwear. Shoes became red or neon, from the previous black, brown, gray. Business coats turned from black to slim type crayola colored then became pastel orange, pink, blues.

    Bags that were black turned blue, dark green. Then they started turning crayola colored too to match his shirt trimming.

    Now his hair which used to cut in the military style became sort of longish. Dyed bayalage or ombre. With lighter highlighted streaks running through.

    But still he is having more affairs with women, young or old, fat or thin doesn’t matter. As long as they have 2 legs. But always way way beneath him in the looks department.

    I watch helpless and filled with resentment as he has also become physically abusive and would say things like, its better if you were the one who left me so I wont have to leave you and be judged by our friends.

    Or he would say that I am so ugly, or so full of bad taste that he has better taste in clothes than me if he were a woman. That I waste myself looking the way I do.

    But till today he still hasn’t admitted he is gay. Apart from the clothes, he talks like a man. However he has only gotten worse in the nagging department.So far the other men I know just clam up and leave when there are problems. But him, he prefers to hash it out in long noisy arguments.

    • Okay. So many levels to this. Yeah, the transition in the underwear drawer is a HUGE sign. I mean, men can expressive themselves with their underwear, there is no ONE kind of “manly” way to be… blah, blah, blah, but a sudden change is a tip off. I don’t know you, but I am sure you are not as ugly and unfashionable as he says. If he is cheating on you period, that is rough. My husband tried to tell me that I was a nympho too. Let me tell you, since being in the “straight” world, I have initiated sex maybe… three, four times in the last five years. No seriously. I might be open to it and suggest it, but not like getting my healthy, young ex-husband hard was like constructing an erector set every single time. It was exhausting, insulting, and if he were straight, loved me and had no other underlying health problems, it would be no problem to get him hard and want to have sex. What do you want to do, Hun? I can only tell my story and hopefully others can learn from it.

  27. J Bly says:

    Please contact me I think I’m dealing with the same thing! Please I’d love totally to you!! Thank u in advance!

  28. anonymus says:

    based on your experiences, these are the same issues I’ve been complaining about except that he may tend to be jealous for quite some time. but the whole part of it ,hate to admit but it is somehow quite similar to my situation right now and it’s hurting me a lot. Now it grown more worst than before, He is pressuring me to work though the mere fact I can’t leave my children behind with someone to watch over them. He doesn’t give any money anymore for the kids . He became so vain to his body that he would wipe anti aging cream and stay at the mirror the whole long just looking at his face. We’ve been married for 15 years . I only cope up with some expenses by means of my part time job as sales agent at home.

  29. Anonymous says:

    Thank you

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