Why it so hard to believe that I was married for twelve years? Is it because I looks so much younger? God, I hope so. Is it because twelve years of marriage did not produce a single alimony check or child support payment? Is it because I do not give off the vibe of a bitter mid-30’s divorce’ but that of a wild, sexy single woman still trying to sow some wild oats? Maybe.
On Cheating and Sex
No one believes that neither of us cheated on one another. Maybe not until the end when we agreed on some fucked up “open marriage” thing that didn’t work out too well. Hell, we were having sex more often than relatively content couples up until three weeks until we got divorced. If I knew that was going to be last time we had sex, let alone the last time he was going to have sex with a woman, I sure as hell would have tried harder.
Not that the sex was ever bad. It wasn’t. I mean, it got as routine and predictable as any other couple’s sex life can get when you have been together with someone for more than a decade. I knew all his moves and he knew mine. But they were good moves. Like going to your favorite diner where you know the menu front and back, but you like everything that is served.
Don’t read this with that look on your face. I know what you are thinking. You think he was faking it the whole time. He was lying there with a hard on just to be polite while he was really thinking about George Clooney. Okay, so we were both fantasizing about George Clooney, but that is not the point. It really was pretty okay sex. In another post, I will have to write about what it is like being made to as a person instead of as a woman. There is a difference I hope no straight woman has to learn.
His and Her Communities
It is not a “consensus” of his community because I hesitate to presume that one community has the same perspective on things, but a majority of his community thinks our marriage was a sham. That’s okay, many in my straight community believe the same thing. His gay brothers think I was his “heterosexual experiment” of trying to be straight to a sympathetic, nice girl who didn’t know any better. My community thinks that I was duped by a charming, smooth talking, cowardly closet gay man that was using me as a cover or a “beard.’ I hate that term. It is insulting to all parties. I was no beard. I was his wife. His partner. For many years we were “Team (our last name)”. I loved being on that team. We made decisions together and we supported each other. Even now, he supports this writing project and hopes I make it big, but does not want to read any and wants me to keep his name and likeness out of it. I can respect that.
The “Other Woman” was a Man
It is not just his homosexuality that ruined our marriage. He was also a cowardly, selfish prick. He pursued his career with vigor, traveling a lot, and I even helped him with his MBA. Sure, I got to travel with him some those first few years, and that was exciting. Towards the end, however, he kept distancing himself from me more and more. And the last years he played a lot of role playing games (Dungeons and Dragons) and going out with “friends” without me. One of his D and D friends became his husband. And yes, that does bother me. It bothers me a lot. We have known that man for more than ten years and I thought he and I were friends. I feel betrayed by my husband and my friend. I cannot accurately describe how hurt and betrayed I feel at the same time I feel like I don’t have the right to be because he is just “fulfilling his nature.” Why couldn’t he fulfill his nature and never marry me in the first place? My “friends” (who no longer speak to me) also told me that I should be happy he is with a friend. Fuck that shit! I’d much rather he be with someone I didn’t know than a friend who has been on the scene ten years of our twelve year marriage. Did I mention the boy was only seventeen when he first met my husband who was twenty-seven and married at the time? The boy was a gentleman and did not make a move on my husband (to my knowledge) until I was out of the picture. He does have the decency to be allowed to be snubbed like the “the other woman” like only a “first wife” can. I still have dibs.
What was Good: Shopping and Superheroes
That being said, our marriage was no sham. We loved each other. We loved each other in a unique way that no one else but he and I will ever understand. He was probably bisexual in his twenties and thirties. According to the Kinsey scale, one’s sexuality can be in the middle as well as shift through the based on life experience. Nothing is black and white and no one is 100% gay or straight.
We had joint checking accounts. He had some accounts I didn’t know about and how we spent and handled money, although it might not have been a crime, it certainly was a sin. We shopped in bulk at Costco, went to the movies religiously and largely had the same taste in movies. He really turned me onto super hero movies as I helped him appreciate small budget independent films. He was great to go with clothes shopping. Sure, that is a bit of a stereo-type, but he was great at helping me pick out clothes and he had a greater knowledge of style and appreciation of my body than I ever did. I was never embarrassed of my body when I was with him. My passion in bed and my hunger for sex embarrassed and challenged him towards the end, but when he loved me…..
I say that too much… “When he loved me” because there was definitely a time when he did and definitely a time when he stopped. Guess what, I’ve stopped loving him too. Now that I see what he put me through. Now that I see what good love actually looks like and feels like…fuck him for keeping me from that. I never made him stay with me. I set him free at great personal cost, and honestly, I think we are both better for it.
He says I was the love of his life, it was just the first part of his life. I too thought I had lost the love of my life, only at the time I had not yet realized I was a cat.
Best quote in his explaining how he is not a “gold star” gay man, because he did love a woman. And for a time, he loved that woman completely and unabashedly. To quote him, “Some of my gay friends don’t understand what it is to like to have sex with a vagina let alone to be dazzled by one.” I don’t care who you are, it is flattering when a man says he is dazzled by your pussy especially if he has lost his liking for women altogether. But you know how I know he’s gay? He used the word “dazzled.”